It’s been awhile since I have done something really disgusting to The Kid. So I determined that it was about time; today was the day.

I wrote him up a little note, made a collage out of all my ink stamps (things like “paid and scanned”, “copy”, and “confidential”) and headed to the kitchen. My goal: find something foodish to stick in the envelope and mail to Iowa. The parameters were that it could not be perishable or crunchable.

This excluded the all the cool stuff like the organic string cheese and organic “Oreos” that I just know he would have loved to receive. I was left with only two options, Sun Maid raisins or spicy turkey jerky. The raisins looked heavier and a lot less disgusting, so I opted for the turkey jerky.

(And what, pray tell, is grosser than receiving a stick of turkey jerky in the mail?!)

The stick was too long for my envelope, so I had to cut off two inches and eat them. It’s Very Spicy turkey jerky. My mouth is still burning. In order to keep all the rats away from the envelope, I wrapped the stick of jerky very tightly in a plastic bag and put it in the envelope. I was pleased that the envelope still sealed nicely, even with said stick jerky stick taking up more than its fair share of real estate. I weighed it, stamped it ($0.58 for that thing!) and took it down to the mail room where I deposited it in its slot.

And so, The Kid, you should be getting a stick of turkey jerky from Dallas, TX in the mail next week. And you had better eat it, too.

I ate part of it so that should make it way more special.