Sunday, after we went to church, Scar decided to hate me.  He began hurting with a vengenance yet unknown to me, and I haven’t felt the same since.  Tuesday night I started running a low fever, and it has stuck with me ever since.  My entire body hurts now, too…so either I overdid it, or this is just how Scar feels like healing himself.

I would prefer to be back to normal.

I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to bounce back from this after just a week.  I haven’t even left my house for longer than 3 hours at a time and, the few times I’ve done that I come home exhausted and in pain.

I feel useless, lazy, like I’m wasting valuable time and not being helpful.  I want to be back at my normal routine seeing my friends, doing what I always do, and making Joey dinner in the evenings.

I really miss my calculator.

Mom left today.  She was so amazing to have here, and yesterday she cleaned my house within an inch of its life.  Seriously.  We bought CHEMICALS (Resolve and ZEP Oven Cleaner) and she went to town on the crusties in the bottom of my oven.  I was allowed to sit on the floor and spray Resolve into the spots on the carpet, but only if I didn’t rub at them too hard, and only if I used my arm muscles instead of my nonexistent abdominal muscles.  (Scar has deleted my abs.  Whatever I had before is gone now.)

Having Mom was like having a breath of fresh air.  She did exactly what mommies do best: she made us delicious dinners, she did tons of laundry, we played Scrabble and Monopoly, watched movies, read books, went on very, very slow walks and, best of all, she laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with me.

I had thought that tonight Joey and I could frame the one ultrasound picture we have of our baby, but I’m feeling so weak that I’m not sure I can drag myself to Michaels.

I want to get it on my wall so I can look at it every day.

I know it was a boy.  I knew the minute I found out I was pregnant, and I dreamed about him that night.

So I want to get our little boy’s picture in his frame…but probably not today.

I really hope I never, ever have to go through this again, and I’m so terribly sorry for anyone else who has to go through this valley.  It’s an awful place.  I know that “joy comes with the morning”, but I don’t feel like I’ve seen dawn come just yet.

Weeping may remain for the night, but joy comes in the morning… – Psalm 30:5b