So…maybe you noticed how there has been a major lack of postage on this blog lately.  Even though I’m doing really fun stuff with really cool people.  You want to know why?

BECAUSE I AM STRESSED, THAT’S WHY!

I tell you what, I was cool as an IVF cucumber until about Sunday morning.  Ever since then, I have been a stressball of gargantuan proportions.  I can’t think, I can’t not think, I can’t really function well at all.

We’ve had a couple of scares, and I am just about ready to explode with WELL, AM I OR AREN’T I?! tension.  The test is Thursday morning.  Thursday morning.

Everything is either beautiful or entirely destroyed on Thursday.

Do you know what that feels like, to have a day on your calendar that can make or break life as you know it?

And…and it’s so close to the date when we were supposed to be having a baby.  I can’t even breathe when I think about that.

WHY did we plan it like this?

I’m terrified either way.  I have only enough energy to push myself to function normally right now.  I can’t make small talk (quite literally; I just sit there and stare at people right now), I can’t relax, I can’t write, I can barely sing, I can’t concentrate, and I can’t even pray.

I’m afraid to tell God what I’m thinking, feeling, experiencing.

Because I don’t want him to tell me no.

Because I don’t want to be angry at him again.  Still.

Because I’m afraid of what might happen.

And that is why this blog is quiet right now.  Because I’m afraid and because I’m stressed.

That’s why I need you to be strong for me, to pray for me.  You are strong where I am so obviously weak.  You can take prayers to the Lord that I am afraid to even think about.  You have faith where I have fear.  You can see joy where I see only pain.

So, thanks.