Enough 2009.
Enough tears.
Enough hurt.
Enough infertility.
Enough everything.
Enough, already.
Sometimes, I just feel like I’m awake every day for long enough to get cage matched by a professional wrestler. Then I go to bed, sleep for a few hours, and wake up and do it all over again. I’m so weary of it all. Carrying around the weight of grief is really, really exhausting.
Joey and I were talking the other day. We were talking about The Question that people ask us a lot; the one we really hate.
“So…rough year…what do you think God is trying to teach you?”
We never know what to say. We don’t know the answer and we’re not sure we want to yet. But a couple of days ago, Joey said he thought maybe he knew what it was.
God’s trying to teach us that He is enough.
UGH. What a lesson. I don’t want to learn that. I don’t want Him to be enough, I want babies.
See? I haven’t learned it yet. That puts the fear of God in me, too, because I’m like, better hurry up and learn your lesson, Jenna, before He does something else nasty to you.
That’s called having an incorrect view of God. I know in my head that he’s not up there being the professional wrestler in the cage match I feel like I’m losing daily, but I can’t convince my heart. I’m not sure how you fix that, either.
Somehow, I have to learn to be satisfied with God.
He is enough.
We just got the phone call that my sister is in labor. Every other person in my family is glittering with excitement, and Joey and I feel like we just got sucker punched.
I don’t understand why she and I had to have the same due date in the first place. I don’t understand why we couldn’t both get to have our babies. I don’t understand. I don’t understand.
But I don’t feel like He is enough right now. I just don’t.
I wanted to have my baby.
My cousin, I love you very much and I’m praying for you.
Sweet Jenna – We sang this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT2v0NodZRs) in church on Sunday and I cried through it and prayed it for you.
The last few weeks I’ve also been reading through Advent verses and I keep coming back to Is. 7:14 and Is. 9:6. Sometimes when I’m not trusting God I have to forcibly remind myself of Who He Is. So, I want to remind you that Christ came to be Emmanual: God with US! And Christ came to be your Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. I pray that you can cling and meditate on those truths, those adjectives, those very, very true character qualities of our God.
Praying He satisfies you to the depth of your soul with who He is.
I want to give you the biggest hug EVER.
That lesson, though… when it sinks in… is devastating, beautiful, and brings the peace the passes all understanding…
but it is hard to learn.
I am so sorry. We lost our preemie in September. I can relate with what you said about the cage match and the questions of “what is God teaching you?”….well for us.. God showed me that it’s not just our lesson. Yes, there is opportunity for my husband and I to Iearn but there’s also a lesson to those we cross paths with, they also will learn more about who God is through us. I’ve been reading your blog since about October and I’ve uttered a few prayers for you. It sucks to be a part of the “baby loss” community, just know that you are not alone. I’ll continue to pray for you and Joey.
My heart aches for you, friend. I am praying for you both! I also pray that your Christmas celebration of our Saviour’s birth will hold joy for both of you in spite of the grief and crazy load of emotions. I wish I could be there even a day to just hang out and try to give your mind a rest from all the what-ifs, should-haves, and if-I-could-onlys. Love to both of you!!!
I was just searching blogs and came across yours. I am dealing with a similar situation myself and my heartaches for you!