Enough 2009.

Enough tears.

Enough hurt.

Enough infertility.

Enough everything.

Enough, already.

Sometimes, I just feel like I’m awake every day for long enough to get cage matched by a professional wrestler.  Then I go to bed, sleep for a few hours, and wake up and do it all over again.  I’m so weary of it all.  Carrying around the weight of grief is really, really exhausting.

Joey and I were talking the other day.  We were talking about The Question that people ask us a lot; the one we really hate.

“So…rough year…what do you think God is trying to teach you?”

We never know what to say.  We don’t know the answer and we’re not sure we want to yet.  But a couple of days ago, Joey said he thought maybe he knew what it was.

God’s trying to teach us that He is enough.

UGH.  What a lesson.  I don’t want to learn that.  I don’t want Him to be enough, I want babies.

See?  I haven’t learned it yet.  That puts the fear of God in me, too, because I’m like, better hurry up and learn your lesson, Jenna, before He does something else nasty to you.

That’s called having an incorrect view of God.  I know in my head that he’s not up there being the professional wrestler in the cage match I feel like I’m losing daily, but I can’t convince my heart.  I’m not sure how you fix that, either.

Somehow, I have to learn to be satisfied with God.

He is enough.

We just got the phone call that my sister is in labor.  Every other person in my family is glittering with excitement, and Joey and I feel like we just got sucker punched.

I don’t understand why she and I had to have the same due date in the first place.  I don’t understand why we couldn’t both get to have our babies.  I don’t understand.  I don’t understand.

But I don’t feel like He is enough right now.  I just don’t.

I wanted to have my baby.