I haven’t sung since before we started IVF.  That was primarily because we didn’t know what our schedule would be, when we’d have to be at the doctor and stuff, and I didn’t want to have to cancel all the time.

Then, once it became apparent that IVF had failed, singing was the last thing I wanted to do.

The very last.

And so I cancelled my Sunday on the music schedule.

Tomorrow, for our Christmas Eve service, I’m singing and I actually didn’t cancel.

At first it felt weird; being up there, singing about a God I don’t necessarily like very much right now.  On his birthday.  But after awhile, I sang through the scratchies in my throat (let’s face it, I haven’t used them vocal chords in a long time) and I started to enjoy it.  I can’t say I sang every song with understanding on every song, but I sang them.

The hurt is so palpable in our house right now it feels like you have to push it aside to make enough room to sit on the couch.  And it follows us wherever we go.  I’m about two breaths away from crying at all times.  I’ve never carried around a lump in my throat like this before, but it’s there and I can’t get rid of it.  I never know what will set it off, either.

Merry Christmas?