I haven’t sung since before we started IVF. That was primarily because we didn’t know what our schedule would be, when we’d have to be at the doctor and stuff, and I didn’t want to have to cancel all the time.
Then, once it became apparent that IVF had failed, singing was the last thing I wanted to do.
The very last.
And so I cancelled my Sunday on the music schedule.
Tomorrow, for our Christmas Eve service, I’m singing and I actually didn’t cancel.
At first it felt weird; being up there, singing about a God I don’t necessarily like very much right now. On his birthday. But after awhile, I sang through the scratchies in my throat (let’s face it, I haven’t used them vocal chords in a long time) and I started to enjoy it. I can’t say I sang every song with understanding on every song, but I sang them.
The hurt is so palpable in our house right now it feels like you have to push it aside to make enough room to sit on the couch. And it follows us wherever we go. I’m about two breaths away from crying at all times. I’ve never carried around a lump in my throat like this before, but it’s there and I can’t get rid of it. I never know what will set it off, either.
Merry Christmas?
I’m glad your singing at church tonight!
I know you don’t know me. Just found you on here and laughed because I sang last night at our Christmas eve service with a raw hurt in my heart as well. So ironic that we are not alone in circumstance—nor away from His presence. I pray that His peace envelope you in your pain today.
You have a beautiful gift of putting feelings into words. I feel that pain that I have to move over to sit on the couch too. You continue to be in my prayers.
Hi there–Just stumbled upon your blog while doing some searches about infertility. You are going through a very rough time, but, having been there and out the other side (we have a baby through IVF), you will find resolution…in either a baby of your own, a baby of someone else, or no baby at all. When I struggle, I try to think about how I will reflect on my life when it is over and what I will think about the rough patches. We’re about to jump on the infertility roller-coaster to try for number two, if you’d like to join the ride or have someone else that is going through the same awful experience email me. All the best, Kate