Joey and I were heading out this afternoon, it’s brisk and cool and a bit icy in spots down here in Texas right now (WEIRD!), and as I shoved my hands deeper in to the pockets of my down vest that I usually never wear, I said, “It feels like…it’s like a compound fracture. You know, the kind where you have, like, bone sticking out of your leg.”
He just raised his eyebrows at me like, OK…I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about but sure…compound fracture.
“No, I mean how I’m feeling right now.” Obviously, right?
I’m trying to put words on it. I’ve been unnaturally quiet for about the last four or five days; I just don’t want to talk about It. I don’t want to talk about any of it. I just want to push through the holidays, survive our baby’s due date, and get January over with. So I turn my cell phone off and don’t reply to emails and keep to myself.
It’s working OK.
We made it through Christmas and we managed to have a mostly enjoyable day.
My former due date is looming, though. And I feel like I could shatter at any minute, and I just have to keep it together. I’ve cried enough over the last six months, haven’t I? I’m so over it.
But back to the compound fracture business. (Yes, yes, I’m circling this plane so I can land it, y’all.)
I feel sequentially broken right now; it’s gross and disgusting and deep, sticking out of my skin and disfiguring. And the only way to get my nasty compound fracture to heal is to go through more pain to get it set. Maybe even more intense pain, but I SURE HOPE NOT, INTERNET. Once it’s set, eventually I’ll have to do physical therapy and whatever. That will hurt and stretch, but it will be healing, even though it sounds awful. And eventually, it’ll be whole again. But never the way it was, and never without a dull ache when the barometric pressure changes, to remind me of what once was.
I’m in the morphine for pain stage right now. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll be ready to try walking on it. But oh….not yet. It still hurts too much.
I know there’s little that can help right now, but hang in there. You might feel broken, but God created you. And while it might not be comforting, and you might be mad at me or God, don’t forget John 9. God’s plan includes everything. Including knowing the pain you are in right now, and knowing you need His peace now more than ever.
I think I really appreciate about certain people’s blogs (especially yours) is that I am allowed into the pain and suffering and growth they are experiencing. It’s encouraging for me to see the pain others are carried through by God. I get to see a glimpse of what God does for others and it reminds me of what God does for me. I particularly like John 9:3, telling us that sometimes things happen so God might be glorified. You glorify God when you cry out to Him. You glorify God when you share your pain and how God provides little mercy bombs for you and your husband. You glorify God when you share how things go well or poorly and yet your faith is still strong, if somewhat battered.
Yes, you have healing to go through. And it might be painful or ugly sometimes. But know that you are not alone – you have us on the internet, you have your friends, you have your family, especially your husband (who, granted is a man, but can be helpful sometimes nonetheless), but most importantly, you have God within you to comfort you.
Hey Cousinee J. I’m wishing there was something I could say to lessen your pain, but there’s not. Just know that I’m praying for you and I love you.