Finally.  I think I know what I learned.  (At least one thing, anyway.  There had really better be more than just one thing.)

Last night, Joey and I got to talking through the past year kind of with the “what if we hadn’t” perspective.

  • If we hadn’t put in the work, we could have grown apart easily.
  • If we hadn’t been actively looking for each other’s strengths, all we would have seen is weakness.
  • If we hadn’t been careful, we could have started to blame each other for what has happened.  (And this terrifies me, because I really still do feel like it’s all my fault if I let myself.)
  • If we hadn’t gone to church when we didn’t want to, we could have quickly lost our perspective and lost our faith.
  • If we hadn’t tried to pray, we may never have started again.
  • If we hadn’t looked for things to be thankful for, we could have grown bitter.

Our list really could go on and on, and as I look at what I’ve written…it kind of looks like we’re more awesome than we really are.  Truth is, we aren’t.  But the what-ifs that come out of a really hard year are enough to scare me.  Nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed.  We know that now more than we ever did.  Rough, awful spots can sneak up on you and hit you with all the force of an 18 wheeler going 60 miles an hour…and then what.

Here’s what I know:

I never want to be unprepared again.

I’ve learned from my last year that I am not who I need to be, that I’m not ready for another year like 2009.  I’m not ready for another year where I try and try and try to keep it together and put on a brave face and hope that this HAS to be over soon…right?

The only reason that Joey and I didn’t implode on each other this past year is because of our faith, of Who we believe in.  I definitely couldn’t see it then.

But I don’t ever want to be the same.

And now that I can at least see one thing I’ve learned, that I don’t ever want to be the same, I don’t want to settle for status quo in the way I follow Jesus, that I don’t want to settle…I can start to change.

Because I can’t handle another year without it, no matter what happens to me in 2010.

Sing to the LORD all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day.  Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among the people – 1 Chronicles 16:23-24