Joey was at a church in the area filming some B-roll for a piece he’s putting together.  They arrived a little too early, so after they got all the cameras set up he found himself chatting with two women.  One was an associate of his, and the other was the lady they were planning to film.

“So, do you have any kids?” She, the subject of the film, said to him, after the had exchanged the requisite pleasantries.

“No, we don’t,” poor Joey replied.  And we hate that question.

“Oh that’s good,” she gushed.  ”It’s SO much easier to get through seminary without any kids running around while you’re trying to study.”

“Sure,” Joey said.  Whatever you say, lady.

She asked about three different kid-related questions before she came to The Kicker.

“And WHEN are you going to get around to having children?” That’s just a brazen question if you ask me.

Joey had had it up to here at this point; he had been tactfully trying to put off the children questions for the longest time.  And, well, she DID ask.  ”Actually, we’re infertile,” he said.

“I’m sorry, you’re in Fort Worth?” She asked, eyes wide.  (NO LIE.  She said that.)

“No.” Joey said slowly.  ”We’re IN-FER-TILE.”

“OH!” She gasped.  I can just imagine the mental gymnastics she was doing, trying to decide if she had said anything inappropriate.  She probably assured themselves she was just fine. (I actually made a few blunders like this a few years ago, and I feel SO bad about them now.)

“Well, that’s OK,” she recovered quickly and said with a flick of her wrist.  ”You can always adopt.”

Joey wanted to drop his camera on her foot and march out of there, but he – bless his heart – stayed and continued the conversation.  One thing we hate is when people flippantly write off infertility with the “oh, no big deal, just get a child from Child Protective Services or something; Heaven knows there are thousands of them out there” attitude.

And we realize it’s not meant flippantly when it’s offered as a suggestion, but it sure feels that way when someone you don’t know just shoves it in your face like that.

I’m not sure what Joey said to her because, honestly, adoption is something we’ve tossed around.  But we’re not there yet.  We still want to know what Joey+Jenna looks like.  We’re not ready.

A few minutes after the adoption comment, she asked Joey what he was in seminary studying.  He told her he was planning to be a youth pastor, and her eyes lit up again.  ”WELL!  Just think of all those kids you can be parents to!  That’s WONDERFUL!”

Again, Joey’s shoulders sunk a little bit.  He understood what she was trying to say, but once again it was super inappropriate. It’s just not the same as actually having children, and it feels like you’re cheapening both youth ministry and the desire to have kids by equating the two.

As we were driving home and he was relating this to me, it struck me that this was the first time that Joey’s gotten the grilling.  I’ve had it several times because, let’s face it, women default to the “so when are you having children” question in get-to-know-you settings.  (Although, no one has asked me if I was in Fort Worth when I told them I’m infertile before.  That’s a new low.)  But I was sorry he had to face the questions.

It’s not his fault.  So I’d just rather all the rude ladies came through me.

Maybe someday it’ll get easier.

The most awkward part, though, in these conversations where we really don’t know the person (and, frankly, taking into consideration in these circumstances that they probably don’t care too much about us) is trying to decide HOW to handle the completely inappropriate things they say regarding infertilty.  Like…should I say, “um, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW AWFUL THAT WAS?” to them?  Because it would just cause them a great deal of embarrassment.

However, if I don’t say something, they’re more likely to keep saying terrible things to other infertile (did anyone else hear Fort Worth?) women.

Especially if these women are in WOMENS MINISTRY, like the one from yesterday was, and they should really know all kinds of better.

There is definitely no easy answer.

Because the last thing that sounds like a good idea is getting into an awkward situation with someone you barely know over the most painful part of your life.  And all because they were just asking normal, fertile-people questions and wouldn’t quit.

BLECH.

Joey doesn’t know either.  Because he never could decide what to do with this particular woman.  So he held his tongue.