I’ve never been a great runner. I’ll do it if I’m feeling really fat, sure, but I don’t enjoy it. And running in a race? Psssssh, no way. I hate to lose. If I can’t be really good at something, there is absolutely no way I am going to do it in public.
Lately?
I feel like I’m on the starting block for the race called MAY I PLEASE HAVE A CHILD? The gun just went off and everyone around me goes taking off down the track like their shorts are on fire, but – what’s this? – my shoelace seems to have gotten stuck in a piece of gum on the ground and I cannot.get.my.foot.free. And I’m still standing there yanking on my foot when everybody comes racing past me on their second lap around the track.
Translation: everybody seems to be miraculously on child #2 when we’re still trying to decide how in the world we’re going to either medically manufacture or legally procure child #1 for ourselves.
It’s exhausting, Internet.
Bone-tiring.
I’m tired of doing mentally calculations whenever I see a calendar. I’m weary of feeling that painful tension all around my stomach that I totally never noticed before. (And honestly I liked it better when I had no idea that anything was hurting. Can we go back to that? kthx.) It doesn’t really hurt ME so much as it hurts my heart, because every time I feel it it’s a reminder I can’t have children. I would almost feel better if it hurt so bad the pain knocked me over. (Maybe I shouldn’t say that…I might jinx myself…)
I wish I could just shut off the “baby please” switch and go back to the way things were before we even started down the Trying To Have A Child path.
It was lots easier.
Life was so much simpler.
I had less baggage.
Now I sort of feel like I’m hauling around a dinged up Louis Vuitton trunk wherever I go. (Incidentally, an antique Louis Vuitton trunk retails for $28k…USED. That’s some seriously expensive baggage.)
Wouldn’t it be fantastic if hard decisions could get made for us? If we were allowed to ask one thing about our future, and it would get answered? I know exactly what I would ask. Not WHEN would we have kids, but…IF we would ever have kids. If I just knew for sure that it would happen someday, that would take the pressure off.
But I don’t get to know.
So…I have to figure out how to deal with the pressure myself. Because there is no Easy button in life.
I’m going to be one tough cookie by the time we get through this.
Sadly, I’m next to you with my shoes caught too. I’m watching my cousins have kids 2 or 3 and raise those kids and am starting to wonder why I’m still waiting on #1 myself.
And I don’t know what else to say about it.
This might sound totally and completely insensitive, but, it’s ironic that I read this again, because I’d been thinking about something that totally relates. You know the whole “getting to know” thing. What will happen, if it happens? Staring into the darkness, wondering if I’m taking a step into a bottomless pit or is there really something solid to stand on? I was thinking about faith…and how knowing would eliminate faith. How knowing would make us less dependant on Someone Who does know? It’s amazing to know THIS…that God isn’t out to punish me or hide His will from me, but to draw me closer to Himself. God has been bringing us through some times of introspection lately…and I’ve been asking myself if I’m REALLY as ready as I think I am for Him to do WHATEVER He chooses to do in my life…even if it means hurting? I’ve been on my knees praying for the right heart. And just recently, God led me to this passage in Colossians, ” and let the peace of God rule in your heart…” there is more, but that is what stuck out the most. And I realized, that I have to LET the peace of God rule in my heart…and I have to let it RULE…of all places, in my HEART. Where everything deep and sensitive is…where it’s all laid out. Wow…that totally struck me. I’m glad I thought to share it with you because it just made me think about it more…and it just reinforces it for me. I mean, not that it’s so easy…you’re right, no Easy Button! But…it’s still true. So, I’m praying for you, that you would experience God’s peace…and that it would RULE in your heart through all of this!
In Christian Sisterly Love,
Sarah