I’ve never been a great runner.  I’ll do it if I’m feeling really fat, sure, but I don’t enjoy it.  And running in a race?  Psssssh, no way.  I hate to lose.  If I can’t be really good at something, there is absolutely no way I am going to do it in public.

Lately?

I feel like I’m on the starting block for the race called MAY I PLEASE HAVE A CHILD? The gun just went off and everyone around me goes taking off down the track like their shorts are on fire, but – what’s this? – my shoelace seems to have gotten stuck in a piece of gum on the ground and I cannot.get.my.foot.free.  And I’m still standing there yanking on my foot when everybody comes racing past me on their second lap around the track.

Translation: everybody seems to be miraculously on child #2 when we’re still trying to decide how in the world we’re going to either medically manufacture or legally procure child #1 for ourselves.

It’s exhausting, Internet.

Bone-tiring.

I’m tired of doing mentally calculations whenever I see a calendar.  I’m weary of feeling that painful tension all around my stomach that I totally never noticed before.  (And honestly I liked it better when I had no idea that anything was hurting.  Can we go back to that?  kthx.)  It doesn’t really hurt ME so much as it hurts my heart, because every time I feel it it’s a reminder I can’t have children.  I would almost feel better if it hurt so bad the pain knocked me over.  (Maybe I shouldn’t say that…I might jinx myself…)

I wish I could just shut off the “baby please” switch and go back to the way things were before we even started down the Trying To Have A Child path.

It was lots easier.

Life was so much simpler.

I had less baggage.

Now I sort of feel like I’m hauling around a dinged up Louis Vuitton trunk wherever I go.  (Incidentally, an antique Louis Vuitton trunk retails for $28k…USED.  That’s some seriously expensive baggage.)

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if hard decisions could get made for us?  If we were allowed to ask one thing about our future, and it would get answered?  I know exactly what I would ask.  Not WHEN would we have kids, but…IF we would ever have kids.  If I just knew for sure that it would happen someday, that would take the pressure off.

But I don’t get to know.

So…I have to figure out how to deal with the pressure myself.  Because there is no Easy button in life.

I’m going to be one tough cookie by the time we get through this.