Tomorrow morning at 8:45, we have a doctor’s appointment.  Like, not just any doctor’s appointment, an OB appointment.

I’m still getting used to the idea of Joey and I actually going to see an OB every few weeks instead of our RE.  (For you who are new to this blog and/or infertility lingo, an OB is an obstetrician and an RE is a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  That’s Infertility Specialist in Average Joe speak.)  I never really thought we’d actually get to swap the RE initials for OB.  And now that we’re here, it’s weird.

I still don’t easily spit out the “I’m pregnant” phrase.  I don’t believe in jinxes, but some crazy boogeyman in the back of my mind always yells DON’T SAY IT, DON’T SAY IT, you’re not the pregnant type of person, this is all a hallucination! whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Totally awkward.

I fought the boogeyman all morning today at church.

We tend to have doctor’s appointments every two weeks.  After an appointment, I do great for about a week.  You know, we saw the baby, its heart was beating, my levels were good, all that jazz.

Well, the SECOND week.  The second week is when it gets interesting.

I get jittery.  I stop sleeping well because I have miscarriage nightmares.  I get irritable due to jitters and lack of sleep.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Last night’s miscarriage nightmare was particularly scary.  I woke up and actually thought I had just gotten released from the hospital and was waking up from pain meds.  It took me a second to sort myself out and realize that, as far as I know, I was still pregnant.

Ugh.

Pregnancy after infertility/miscarriage is so much more complicated than I thought it would be.

One week at a time.  Heck, one DAY at a time, really.

Lately, I have been running my airplane verse in my head over and over and over again when I get all freaked out.   For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind…

I need the sound mind part right now much more than usual.