Maybe you didn’t hear yet, but Joey and I are going to have a baby sometime between now and the end of the month. I keep getting asked if I’m excited, if I’m ready to be done being pregnant, all these normal late-stage pregnancy questions. And, ugh, the answers to those questions is ridiculously complicated. I never know what to say because I don’t want to LIE!
Am I excited? Yes…sorta.
And you’re all SORTA? WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU ANYWAY?
Yeah, I know. Sounds awful. Here’s why I’m only sorta excited.
I’ve really enjoyed the whole pregnancy process because I knew that every single day was a gift. I’ve loved feeling like a normal person, shopping for maternity clothes, looking at the Babies R Us website, all the normal pregnancy pregnancy things. But over the top of all of it loomed this dark gray raincloud, every so often sprinkling its gloom on my head. Because as soon as I’m done being pregnant, then I get to go back to Before. Back to being in the “just a little bit over 0% of getting pregnant again” group.
Ugh. I don’t want to go back there again. It’s not a friendly place, y’all.
I don’t want to get the “when are you having the next baby” questions. I don’t want to put away the baby clothes as she grows out of them, because I know I’ll want to hang on to the them “just in case”, even though I know that’s crazy. I don’t want to watch my six year old go off to first grade and know it’s the last time I’ll get to do that. I don’t want our little girl to grow up without a little sister or brother to learn to share with, learn how to forgive, and play with for hours. I don’t want to go back to feeling guilty that I’m the reason we can’t have a bajillion kids.
Sometimes it’s easier to get bogged down in the gloom of what we are losing than to allow myself to revel in the joy of the gift that we have, which is that WE ACTUALLY GET TO HAVE A BABY! I have to fight to enjoy the stages instead of being filled with sorrow that once this stage is over, we’ll never have it again. It’s a very strong temptation. Like I said, being Gloomy Gus is easier than allowing myself to become more sanctified through this process.
And about twice a week I ask God why he couldn’t have asked someone ELSE to be sanctified like this. (Isn’t that super ugly of me?!)
So…am I sick of being pregnant yet? HECK NO. These are the last few days I get to feel this uncomfortable. This may be the last time my right side swells up like the Goodyear Blimp and the left side stays normal. (Looks hilarious, by the way. Feels awful.) This might be the last time I get stuck on the floor and wind up having to do this really strange three-point roll to get up. I may never get kicked in the ribs like that again. Or jabbed in the kidneys, for that matter. I can’t sleep at night, but who knows which night is the last night of being kept awake because of aching joints.
Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But…it’s an uncomfortable that I’m thankful for.
I’m getting more eager to have the baby, but I’m not ready to let go of the pregnancy stage yet. I think I may be the world’s weirdest pregnant lady. Or, me and all the other infertiles are the world’s weirdest pregnant women.
Rather along those lines, but also slightly unrelated, is the fact that I should go take a shower and try to wake up. I didn’t sleep worth anything last night and I’m a full-on zombie today. Our 37 week appointment is this afternoon so I should probably try to wake up before I go there and just stare at the doc for the entire time and forget to answer her questions.
Although, frankly, last time I didn’t do such a good job last week so maybe it would be better if I just held my tongue and stared at her.
They had better not send me over to the hospital again.
