infertility

It’s just more complicated this way

Maybe you didn’t hear yet, but Joey and I are going to have a baby sometime between now and the end of the month.  I keep getting asked if I’m excited, if I’m ready to be done being pregnant, all these normal late-stage pregnancy questions.  And, ugh, the answers to those questions is ridiculously complicated.  I never know what to say because I don’t want to LIE!

Am I excited?  Yes…sorta.

And you’re all SORTA?  WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU ANYWAY?

Yeah, I know.  Sounds awful.  Here’s why I’m only sorta excited.

I’ve really enjoyed the whole pregnancy process because I knew that every single day was a gift.  I’ve loved feeling like a normal person, shopping for maternity clothes, looking at the Babies R Us website, all the normal pregnancy pregnancy things.  But over the top of all of it loomed this dark gray raincloud, every so often sprinkling its gloom on my head.  Because as soon as I’m done being pregnant, then I get to go back to Before.  Back to being in the “just a little bit over 0% of getting pregnant again” group.

Ugh.  I don’t want to go back there again.  It’s not a friendly place, y’all.

I don’t want to get the “when are you having the next baby” questions.  I don’t want to put away the baby clothes as she grows out of them, because I know I’ll want to hang on to the them “just in case”, even though I know that’s crazy.  I don’t want to watch my six year old go off to first grade and know it’s the last time I’ll get to do that.  I don’t want our little girl to grow up without a little sister or brother to learn to share with, learn how to forgive, and play with for hours.  I don’t want to go back to feeling guilty that I’m the reason we can’t have a bajillion kids.

Sometimes it’s easier to get bogged down in the gloom of what we are losing than to allow myself to revel in the joy of the gift that we have, which is that WE ACTUALLY GET TO HAVE A BABY!  I have to fight to enjoy the stages instead of being filled with sorrow that once this stage is over, we’ll never have it again.  It’s a very strong temptation.  Like I said, being Gloomy Gus is easier than allowing myself to become more sanctified through this process.

And about twice a week I ask God why he couldn’t have asked someone ELSE to be sanctified like this.  (Isn’t that super ugly of me?!)

So…am I sick of being pregnant yet?  HECK NO.  These are the last few days I  get to feel this uncomfortable.  This may be the last time my right side swells up like the Goodyear Blimp and the left side stays normal.  (Looks hilarious, by the way.   Feels awful.)  This might be the last time I get stuck on the floor and wind up having to do this really strange three-point roll to get up.  I may never get kicked in the ribs like that again.  Or jabbed in the kidneys, for that matter.  I can’t sleep at night, but who knows which night is the last night of being kept awake because of aching joints.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable.  But…it’s an uncomfortable that I’m thankful for.

I’m getting more eager to have the baby, but I’m not ready to let go of the pregnancy stage yet.  I think I may be the world’s weirdest pregnant lady.  Or, me and all the other infertiles are the world’s weirdest pregnant women.

Rather along those lines, but also slightly unrelated, is the fact that I should go take a shower and try to wake up.  I didn’t sleep worth anything last night and I’m a full-on zombie today.  Our 37 week appointment is this afternoon so I should probably try to wake up before I go there and just stare at the doc for the entire time and forget to answer her questions.

Although, frankly, last time I didn’t do such a good job last week so maybe it would be better if I just held my tongue and stared at her.

They had better not send me over to the hospital again.

Béaba Babycook!

I’ve been drooling over the Béaba Babycook since before the first time I was pregnant, which I think was waaaay back sometime in 2008.  We spotted it at Williams Sonoma once on a NorthPark browsing trip, and I was like, JOEY.  This thing is fabulous!  I NEED THIS WHEN WE HAVE BABIES!  But then shortly after that we discovered weren’t supposed to have babies so I put it out of my mind.

It’s a little four-in-one machine that gently steams fruit or vegetables while maintaining nutrients, and then purees it for you so you can put it into little serving-size containers and throw ‘em into the freezer for your munchkin to eat throughout the week.  It will also defrost and then reheat the same frozen foods back up to a safe temperature for your kiddo to eat.

It’s one of those New to the USA things that I tend to catch way too early on the upswing, so the price tag on this guy, um, a little steepy.  Especially when you consider you could simply steam on the stove and puree in your food processor and use your microwave to defrost/reheat.  But that’s a heck of a lot of dishes and monitoring things to make sure they don’t get too hot or overcooked and lose their nutrients…when you could really just do it all with the press of one button.

And in a cute little machine, to boot.

When you consider the cost of the nasty jarred baby food stuff, and the nutritional benefits of being able steam your own baby food, the Babycook really is much cheaper than that option…it’s just kind of a sucker punch when you look at the price tag the first time.

Anyway.

Yesterday afternoon, Joey disappeared to go buy my birthday present.  When he came back home, he looked all google-eyed and jittery.  ”Do you want your present now?” He asked.  ”Once I got it from the store I just couldn’t wait anymore so if you want it today you can have it.”

Psssh, when have I ever been the kind of person to wait for my birthday presents?  I’m pretty sure that’s a big fat NEVER if I had the option to open them early.

Joey disappeared back out to the car and reappeared…with a huge bag from Williams Sonoma.  Like, it probably have fit at least four newborns inside and had space for their kooshy blankets that newborns tend to carry around with them.

I just looked at it like, What in the world did you get me from Williams Sonoma that could possible be so huge?

“Open it, open it,” Joey said.

And I pulled out…the Béaba Babycook!  ”WOAH!” I squealed. “It’s…the BABYCOOK!”

“Yeah, with some accessories, too,” Joey said, whipping them out of the bag.  He got me the little silicone multi-portion freezer tray, and a set of extra steaming containers for food that doesn’t fit in the freezer tray, if I’m making a big batch someday.  I can easily freeze it right in the steaming container and defrost it on the Babycook and then portion it right back into a freezer tray.

“You….got me a Babycook?” I asked him.  ”Um, isn’t that kind of over budget for birthday presents?”

“It’s 1/4 your birthday present and 3/4 for the baby,” he said, smugly.

Joey always, always gets around the birthday present budget rule.  It drives me crazy, and if I were to try to pull similar shenanigans, I’d be in trouble for about…two weeks.  He never lets me buy him anything nice because he doesn’t “need it”.  (Apparently I do, though?)

I just stood there staring at the Babycook for about a minute, then I said, “This thing is so amazing, can I sleep with it tonight?”

“Um….if you want to,” Joey said.  ”The box looks kind of sharp though.”

He was right, it was sharp.  So I just got up extremely early this morning to look at it again and squish the freezer trays.

It’s weird, because sometimes when you want something (like a Babycook) but it depends entirely on other things you want very badly but the doctor tells you that you aren’t ever going to have (like, for instance, a baby)…and then you DO get pregnant, baby accessories really throw you off.  Because I can still convince myself when she’s not moving around in there than I’m really not pregnant.  But when I see the Babycook, or the little pile of baby clothes we have been compiling, or look at the paint color we chose for her room, it just seems a little more real.

And extremely surreal, because I’ve wanted that crazy Babycook since back before the whole interfility journey began, and I never thought we’d actually wind up needing such a thing.  Which is why Joey got it for me.