Seeing as we used several thousand dollars worth of pharmaceuticals to conceive this girl child, I really want to go all natural for her birth.  Like, as in, I don’t even want an IV.

After a bit of research we (mostly I) settled on using the Bradley method, which is husband-coached childbirth and focuses a lot on relaxation and understanding what my body is doing during the labor stages so we can manage the pain.  Tonight’s class talked about stretching basics, and we got a little bit into nutrition. Which may be why I’m sitting here eating Sour Patch Kids while I type this.  Now THERE are some nutrients, eh?

Right before we walked out the door to go to our first class, I noticed Joey looked like he had just been forced to gnaw on a lemon.  And I was all, dude what is up?

He was like, “What…what if this class is all weird and it makes me uncomfortable and stuff?”

And I sort of looked at him with my face all squished up in a very attractive way and said, “Well…pregnancy isn’t exactly comfortable for me either.  So…maybe you’ll be OK?”

Joey paused and said, “Yeah my excuse was pretty lame.  We probably better just go.”

So we just went.

The class was really fabulous.  I don’t have an OB yet, and I have no clue at which hospital I’ll be delivering; we’re basically flying by the seat of our pants at this point.  It was really good to talk with our instructor and get some of her thoughts and OB recommendations because, while I want to do this all natural…I’ll be doing it in a hospital, thank you very much.

At the end of the class, we practiced beginning relaxation techniques.  (Trust me, I was relieved it was NOT a labor rehearsal yet.  I’m not ready for that yet.)

Joey had me all laid out on the floor with my right arm twisted back uncomfortably in the “proper” position.  The instructor walked by and mentioned if it was too unnatural-feeling, I could adjust myself, which I immediately did.  God did not create my arm to go that direction.  No he did not.

I was to lay there with none of my body parts touching (easier said than done) and Joey was supposed to look at my body and determine which parts of it were tense.  Again, easier said than done.  The goal of this is so that when I’m in labor and I’ve locked up a muscle group without realizing it, he’ll be able to notice that I’ve done so and help me relax it.  We are supposed to do this every single day, so he’s going to be a Jenna Tension Expert by the end of it.

First I tensed my foot, then my calf.  Then, when it came time to tense up my thigh, I just absolutely lost it.  I had my thigh muscle as locked up as I could possibly get it, and Joey had firmly gripped it with his hand and was saying to me “This is tension.  We do not want tension in labor.  Relax, relax, relax…” and I busted out laughing.

Hysterically.

Couldn’t stop.

So then, of course my whole body was tense.

This (squeeze the thigh) is tension.  We do not want tension in labor.  Relax, relax, relax.

Internet, it was so funny.  And all the other moms were like 5,000 times more mature than I am or something, because they were all in a state of zen or something.  Nobody but me was laughing.  It was silent like the grave in there except for the other coaches informing their wives that this was tension and we didn’t want it in labor.

Relax, relax, relax.

For the next week, I’m supposed to write down everything I eat.  That’s why I’m eating all the Sour Patch Kids tonight, so they don’t count. (Although, now I think about it maybe that isn’t what she meant?)

Well, I’m off to go some squatting now.  Apparently I need to do this about a bajillion times a day.  It’s super flattering.