Tag Archives: ivf

Oct24

It was only a matter of time.

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It was only a matter of time.

Two things happened on Friday which I knew would converge into It happening.

  1. I was digging around in my sock drawer (because WHAT IS UP WITH THE COLD WEATHER??? COLD FEET!) and I found my old Follistim case and injection pen, which I stuffed back there a couple years ago after I was done with it.  Because I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away.
  2. I was at Carters looking for leggings for Analie and I saw Newborn size PJs.  They are so tiny, and she is so big.

I stood there in Carters, holding the tiny PJs and suddenly I felt the old sense of panic and loss creeping up the back of my eyeballs and seeping out my tear ducts that I used to feel when I’d look at baby clothes.  And it caught me off guard because – HELLO! I HAVE A BABY NOW!  Everything’s fixed!

Right?

Wrong.

I was so glad when my blessed cell phone rang, because it broke me out of a weird and creepy trance.  I literally shoved the tiny PJs back on the rack and ran out of Carters in my 3 inch heels and tried to shake off my unexpected gloom, which did not work so I tried to fake it.  I think I did a poor job.

That night I dreamed that Joey wanted to do another round of IVF, but since we’re not in Texas anymore and don’t have access to our specialist he figured he’d just do it himself.  (Because I guess he took “Rudimentary In Vitro Procedures 101″ in seminary?)  He had ordered the drugs off the internet and was going to do all the retrievals and transfers in our kitchen.  I woke up feeling seriously gloomy.

And you know what?  I have been since then.  BOO ON ME.

Analie’s going to be a year old in less than a month.  My baby’s growing up, and the reality of not being able to “plan #2″ like normal people is really starting to set in.  I know that since we didn’t go through the most painful parts of infertility where we live now, we seem like fertile people because I was pregnant when we moved.  But IVF can’t fix what’s wrong with me, and I’m starting to feel the icky temptation to be ANGRY! again about why this had to happen to me.  Or, I guess I should say, to US.

It’s a new ballgame to still be primarily infertile after having a baby.  It’s confusing for other people and I’m finding that it’s pretty confusing for myself, too.  Because sometimes my brain tricks me into thinking that OOH!  Maybe I’ll have a baby!

And then I have to remind myself that it took 2 weeks of injections, several doctors, a petri dish and a fully sterile environment to get pregnant in the first place.  Not exactly ideal conditions.

So, if any of you infertility bloggers are even stillaround and reading this anymore – hi; I’m back.  (Yay??)

For the rest of you?  Sorry.  It was only a matter of time.

I feel like my challenge on the other side of an IVF pregnancy is to continue to see Analie’s life as an undeserved, precious gift.  To resist bitterness.  To (try to) encourage those who are walking the lonely road of infertility.  To not feel sorry for myself.  To find the joy in the circumstances God has given me, even when parts of them seem like the worst thing ever.  Times five.

Aug4

Round Two

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Round Two

Analie and I were at CVS this morning picking up her steroid cream to turn her into Schwartzenbaby.  Hopefully this will take down the rash that has been feeding on her underlings for the last 6 weeks and giving all us no end of frustration.  We have tried just about every natural remedy known to the Internet, crowd sourced it to friends, and seen two doctors.  So now we have steroids.

SCHWARTZENBABY WILL TERMINATE THE RASH.

Anyway, we were waiting for our steroid.  As we stood there, we heard the pharmacists chatting about another customer who had placed an order for some specialized drugs because of “round two”.  When I heard “round two”, my ears perked up because don’t I know what round two is, Internet.  (Hint: I was holding her while I stood in line.)  ((Second hint: Usually “round two” indicates some kind of invasive, sucky infertility treatment.  Winning!))

Apparently Clomid wasn’t working for this poor lady, or something about she was afraid she’d have multiples?, so they were ordering Ovidrel for her.  WHOOOPIE FOR HER to be moving to be moving up the infertility ladder to injectables!

We know alllllll about Ovidrel in this house.

So I gave my baby a big, big hug while we stood there listening to the pharmacists and whispered in her ear, “YOU were made with Ovidrel.”

The entire experience made me feel a little bit misty, truth be told.

Shoot up that Ovidrel, unknown lady we heard the pharmacists gossiping about, because I will be praying for you when I apply the steroid cream to MY Ovidrel baby.

Apr29

Two Years

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Two Years

For Mother’s Day in 2009, Joey gave me an adorable green onepiece from Baby Gap with a panda on it that I’d noticed a few weeks earlier when we were walking around, dreaming.  I was just barely pregnant, and our excitement was a little bit premature.  Because the very next Sunday I was in the hospital, and we weren’t expecting a baby anymore.

When I got home from the hospital, I stuffed the little outfit and the card Joey had given me deep, deep into the back of one of the drawers in my dresser.  Six months went by, I found it again.  I sat there on the floor in our apartment, trying to decide if it was cruel to keep the outfit if I was never going to have a baby to put in it.

I decided to keep it.

Even though, at that point, there was a big black blob of nothing on the horizon.

Just in case…maybe there would be a miracle someday.

So I put it back in the drawer and folded up my first Mother’s Day card inside.  I still haven’t read it again.  But today that card is framed and hangs on my wall, and my sweet little girl is wearing a green outfit with a panda on it that I had almost lost hope would ever be on a baby that belonged to me.

Next Sunday, Mother’s Day, we’re going to have her dedicated.  I have so much to be thankful for.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give [her] to the LORD. For [her] whole life s[he] will be given over to the LORD. 1 Samuel 1:27-28

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Apr27

Infertility Awareness Week!

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Infertility Awareness Week!

Happy Infertility Awareness Week!

Wait.

It’s not happy.

Let’s start this post over.

HELLO INTERNET.  It’s Infertility Awareness Week whether you like it or not!

Joey and I were discussing Infertility Awareness Week last night as we were driving home from small group, Analie shrieking at her petri-dish hatched reflection in the mirror as we zipped along 465.

I was all, I’m aware of our infertility, are you?  And Joey was like, FO SHO.

Actually, it’s weird.  We kind of feel like we have gone through stages.  We were, then we weren’t (basically this only felt true when we were pregnant with Analie), now we are again.

I was just on the Resolve website (which is the National Infertility Association) looking at their suggestions for Infertility Awareness Week.  Some of their ideas were great: take doughnuts and OJ to your fertility clinic for the couples who have early morning appointments (which was always us!  We were the 7:45 and 8:15 slots for MONTHS AND MONTHS), host a happy hour and don’t allow any baby talk, host a dinner party for your friends who supported you through your journey (which would have been such an awesome thing to do with our Texas friends last year), and have an infertility movie night with some girlfriends (Baby Mama anyone?)

Some of the other ideas were weird.  Like, contact the media.  (Why???)

Now that Analie is born it’s easier to not fixate on our infertility.  At least right now.  I’m pretty sure in a few years when the baby bug hits again, I know that it will be a whole different story.  And we’ll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.  But today I am trying so hard to soak up every second of Analie’s lovely snuggly babiness that I can get.

Because she is the best IVF baby in the whole history of IVF babies.

Mar26

Worth it

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Worth it

This evening, as Analie and I were in the rocking phase of her sleep ritual, she was anything but sleepy.  All cozied up in her stripidy bear PJs and hot pink sleep sack, she was snuggled up close under my arm and reaching her little hand up to try to touch my face.  Every few seconds she’d make one of her new (and so! exciting!) sounds and then split her cheeks with a grin so big it would make Julia Roberts jealous.

It was one of those beautiful moments to remember forever.

(Like when she’s 16 and we’re driving each other crazy, for instance.)

And as my baby girl curled her sweet little hand around my finger and cooed, all I could think about was how every single moment of waiting was worth it.  I would cry every tear, go to every doctor’s appointment, have every procedure, wait every single day, and even do twice as many shots of Menopur just to have this child.

So I held her a few minutes longer than normal, and we just stared into each other’s eyes while I soaked in the joy of being a mother.

I’m so thankful it was all worth it.

 

Mar7

A trip down memory lane

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A trip down memory lane

A friend of mine commented on an old post from last year, the one where I talked about our journey to conceive Analie.  I was feeling nostalgic as I sit here in the hotel room waiting for Joey’s session to be finished so we can go home, so I clicked back into The Archives and read the old post.

Oh, memories.

And then, just for good measure, I decided to watch Analie’s announcement video.  I haven’t seen it since she was born, and going back and looking at it was really fun.  It’s such a beautiful video that I just felt like reposting it again here.

(So no, I am not announcing another pregnancy.  We haven’t saved up enough money for that kind of craziness yet. But maybe someday if we win the lottery or something like that.)

Feb23

Does anyone know where to find a Petri dish?

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Does anyone know where to find a Petri dish?

Analie’s Hatch Day is coming up a week from today; March 2.

A Hatch Day, of course, is the day that she was hatched in a Petri dish by the Embryologist wearing the green scrubs in the Presby ARTS lab.

In celebration of the most exciting day of her entire life, we will be having scrambled eggs (hopefully in Petri dishes) for breakfast, egg salad sandwiches for lunch, and Deviled Eggs for dinner.  This may be an annually traditional menu, unless someone suggest other fabulous egg dishes that are kind of easy.

Does anyone know where you can buy Petri dishes?  I have absolutely no idea where to buy that kind of thing because I was usually sleeping during science class.  Either that or having competitions with my friend Tim to see how many Cinnamon Altoids we could stuff in our mouths at a time without showing any signs of physical stress.

Science class got kind of expensive when we were playing that game.

Do they even teach you where to buy Petri dishes in science class?

Incidentally, I just reviewed early March posts from 2010 and I must have been feeling awful/freaking out around Retrieval and Transfer days, because there are several days of silence around that time.  Hehehe.

I’m so thankful that it worked that time.  We wouldn’t trade our little miracle for all the Petri dishes in the whole world.

Feb7

Sleep Ritual

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Sleep Ritual

First of all, I need to say that I got ripped off.  My kid looks nothing like me.  I broke out my 10 week baby picture yesterday and held it up to Analie’s face.  Yeah, pretty much the only resemblance between her and me is that we are both humans and we both take nourishment.

Second of all, I had a follow up appointment with my OB today (which was supposed to be a 6 week appointment but, well, time flies when you aren’t sleeping) and we were all able to agree that, unfortunately, it is not necessary to prescribe me any birth control.  I say ‘unfortunately’ because when I asked her what the odds were of me spontaneously getting pregnant again, she asked me if we had any embryos left over from our IVF that produced Analie.  (Um, no.  We used them all making Analie.)  And then she asked if we needed the name of a specialist up here.  So I read between the lines: let’s not all lay in a stockpile of newborn diapers for baby #2.  Doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.  And that’s OK.

Third of all, I feel I need to announce that to the Internet that the baby we DO have? SHE NAPS!

A week after instituting the sleep ritual, I notice major differences in Analie’s ability to fall asleep independently and, very important!, stay asleep.

First, we pull the curtains and shut the blinds so her room is not filled with natural light.  (I wouldn’t say it’s dark exactly, but it’s definitely not bright enough to read a book.)  Then we swaddle her up in her cozy pink swaddle and plug in her binky.  We throw one of her blankies over her head and sit (NOT ROCK) in the glider in the corner for five minutes.  This gives our little bundle of energy time to switch gears from playing to sleeping.  Usually she thrashes for about a minutes and then stills, and as soon as she is still, the blanket comes off her head.  After five minutes have passed, we lay her in her bed and she’s usually still awake, just very calm.

We leave, shut the door, and wait for her to cry.  About 50% of the time, she cries after about ten minutes.  Then we immediately go in, plug the binky back in and say something to the effect of “now it’s time for sleeping, not playing”, and then leave.  Usually that’s all it takes and she’s out like a pair of white Reebok high tops.

And that’s that.  No screaming, no crying, just independent sleeping.

I can’t tell you how freeing it feels to have a napper.  I don’t think I would trade any of our 10 weeks of snuggles, but I am awfully thankful to be able to get things done around the house now.  It was time to move to more of a routine with her.

She hasn’t quite worked out how to sleep an entire nap period yet, usually she wakes up mid-nap (about 45 minutes in) and does a bit of crying, but I just plug her back in and tell her to go back to sleep.  Sometimes I have to sit with her for another 5 minutes if she just can’t wind down enough to sleep, but those times are getting fewer and farther between.

And, speaking of naps, she’s sleeping now so I need to make some meatloaf and rustic dinner rolls.  Yums.

The reason God invented meatloaf is so you can put ketchup on it.