Tag Archives: telemarketing

Oct9

Sort of about Telemarketing, but really it’s about construction paper

Posted on by
Sort of about Telemarketing, but really it’s about construction paper

When I was a telemarketer, telemarketing for a subprime right before the fallout no less (yes, it’s true), near the end of my illustrious and painful career with them, things started to really slow down.  And when I say “slow down” I mean, sometimes I would have three calls in the entire day.  That’s it.

So…that’s why I started this blog.  OHAI INTERWEBZ!

When I wasn’t blogging, I would read a book.  When books got boring, my friends and I brought sewing supplies and made finger puppets (and clothes) and talked them to each other over our cube walls.  When we ran out of material for finger puppets, I glued together plates, cups and plastic silverware to form a five foot tall Monument to Boredom, and then plastered googley eyes all over it to give it some pizzazz.  I presented this Monument to our supervisor, who was frankly just happy that I hadn’t quit by that point.  After the Monument, we took up coloring.

The lady who sat next to me was a former art teacher for Des Moines Public Schools, and her name was Barb.  I could never figure out what was wrong with her brain to make her want to leave a normal, not sucky job to be a TELEMARKETER of all things.  For an evil subprime!  A subprime that had no valid contacts in the queue anymore, therefore its employees were bored out of their gourds waiting for the dialer to actually get a live one!

Oh, I should mention, here’s why telemarketers totally butcher your name whenever they call you.  It’s because your name pops on the screen about 2 seconds after you answer, and half the time it’s something like Stephanie Waxcvidfgojsnnigy, and YOU try to figure out how to pronounce Waxcvidfgojsnnigy on the spot like that.  (One time I had a contact with about 20 letters in his last name, and only 4 of them were vowels.  Good luck with that.)

Back to the coloring.

So Barb had lots of art supplies in her desk drawer, and she provided me with as much paper and crayons as I wanted.  I drew my awful stick-figure drawings and presented them to all my friends, then I started making pictures to send to my siblings.  Barb, the art teacher, was surprisingly pleased with what she saw.  “You have such a genuine expression,” she’d tell me.

What she meant was: You stink but I am a former teacher and so I have to phrase things in such a way that you still feel encouraged by my comments.

I could totally see through her.

When I finally couldn’t hack it anymore as a telemarketer, Barb sent a huge pile of colored paper with me on my last day so I could continue my work at home.

Four years later, I’ve used quite a bit of it up.  Last night I ran out of green, and green is my favorite color.

“I need to buy construction paper!” I wailed to Joey.

When making cards, or drawings, or anything pretty much, my only art supplies are crayons, markers, and construction paper.  If Crayola makes it, I will use it.  Otherwise, it’s too complicated and high-skill for me.

“Well, we’ll get some this weekend,” he soothed me.

I’m unusually excited about the prospect of a new package of construction paper.  I wonder if it has changed much since the last time I bought it.

May17

Erstwhile

Posted on by
Erstwhile

People keep asking me what “erstwhile” means.

I suppose I’ll just tell you, even though you could look it up on dictionary.com. This is easier, though, right?

erst·while (ûrsthwl, -wl)
adv.
In the past; at a former time; formerly.
adj.
Former: our erstwhile companions.

I am an “erstwhile telemarketer” because I used to be. (But not any more, praise the Lord.) In the past I was. Formerly.

You know.

Mar30

Things That Are Extremely Cool About My New Job:

Posted on by
Things That Are Extremely Cool About My New Job:

1.) I have a big desk. I had to sort 12 stacks of handouts and I had room on my desk to do all of them. It was great.
2.) I do not have a headset for my phone. Reason this is good–I won’t be talking on the phone all day long!
3.) I can open my cell phone without fear of reprecussion.
4.) I can go to the bathroom whenever I want, as many times as I want. (And I don’t have to worry about getting glared at.) This is truly freedom.
5.) I have a pet fish. His name is Comet and he’s a red Betta. He comes with the job. I named him after the school mascot and I get to feed him every day.
6.) I can carry on conversations. It’s great, the other secretary and I chatted for about 20 minutes about something that didn’t really pertain to anything work-related, and nobody got mad at us! (We, of course, were still working while we talked.) There were no telemarketing beeps in our ears or anything.

Oh, the glory.

Jenna likes her new job!

Mar28

Posted on by

Dear Kraft Foods,

Hi. My name is Jenna. I’m a pathetic little telemarketer (well, for another few hours) and I just wanted to thank you for the happiness you have brought into my miserable existence. Happiness? You ask yourselves, How in the world can a telemarketer have happiness?! They have the worst jobs in the world!

Well. Let me tell you.

I adore your mini marshmallows. I am, perhaps, their greatest fan. I eat them while I talk to people on the phone. (But only occasionally, since they don’t any—er, much nutritional value.) The mini marshmallows are the greatest because, to quote my cool little brother, they are “full of marshmallowy goodness”. It’s like all the flavor of a big ‘un but that is bite sized!!! Wow. Somebody’s a genius.

But wait, there’s more!

Yesterday while my dear husband and I were grocery shopping (at TARGET, not at Walmart. We rue the day we enter Walmart…sorry, Dad.) Joey spotted something amazing.

Bunny-mallows!!!

Seriously. These are little spring colored bunny shaped marshmallows. They’re super, super cute. I like to squish them and bite their heads off. They were on sale, so we bought a bag. I munched a few on the way home, but I knew I had to take them telemarketing the next day. Since it’s my last day (YAY!!) I figured my friends might enjoy a few bunny-mallows. Jamie and I made hot chocolate and put them on top. They look like a pastel swirl.

Whoever thought up bunny-mallows is a really smrt person. I salute them.

Very sincerely,

Jenna, loyal fan

Mar27

Why I Am Nuts

Posted on by
Why I Am Nuts

I hear voices all day long. Seriously.

OK, fine, so I’m a telemarketer (until tomorrow) and so my job is talking to people on the phone. But I like to make things as dramatic as possible, of course.

Anyway, my current game is to try to figure out how fat (or not) people are just by talking to them. It’s pretty amusing. You can’t tell much from a person’s voice except whether they smoke a lot.

So that’s my game. It’s pretty sad, isn’t it? Statistics aren’t in these people’s favor, so I figure that most people are ginormously fat. At least I amuse myself by thinking that. If they’re huffing and puffing, that’s a definite giveaway (to my little mind, that is).

I really, really need to start my new job before I lose my mind completely.

Mar24

Posted on by

Well, I am taking PTO today. I went in to get all the heavy junk out of my desk and that took, like, three hours by the time I got back home. I was only in the office for about 15 minutes, too. (Good thing I didn’t get a ticket. I had 15 minutes on my meter and the time ran out!)

I don’t have anything funny to say today, I haven’t eaten anything yet and it’s 1:00. I’m starved. I can’t even think straight. So see, no chance of being even remotely funny.

So…that’s all, folks!

Only 4 days to go…

Mar23

Posted on by

The countdown just got blown out of the water. I am able to use PTO for this Friday, next Wednesday, Thursday and Friday! I was able to move up the last day to Tuesday. Cha-ching!!!

So, here’s the new and improved countdown.

5 more days! (And only two of those are work days.)

Mar23

TRUE STORY

Posted on by
TRUE STORY

I wander into the bathroom this morning with a huge stack of towels that I’d just folded. (The stack was way too high, by the way, I almost dropped them in the trash can.) Joey was in there putting gel in his hair.
“Good morning,” says me.

“I had a really weird dream last night,” says he.

“Oh really? So did I, but you go first.” I started stuffing the towels in the cupboard. It was a tight squeeze.

Joey washed the gel off his hands. “I dreamed that I was down getting the mail and started flipping through it. You had a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens in there and on the cover it said ‘Is Your Husband Annoying? Trade Him in for a Million Dollars Worth of Used Action Figures!’ and I thought, ‘Wow, that’s not a very good trade.’”

“Not only that,” I said, “But it’s not quite a Better Homes and Gardens specialty. Not only do they not generally trade in husbands, I bet they don’t really have a million dollars worth of used action figures just lying around. What do you think they’d do with all the husbands that got traded in?” I smashed in the last towel.

“Who knows. Wanna trade me in?” Asked my slightly sleep-foggy husband.

“No way!” I said. “Not only are you a whole lot less annoying than I am, but I have no idea what I’d ever do with a million dollars of used action figures. I don’t even know what I’d do with a million dollars worth of new action figures! I’ll take you over action figures any day.”

Three things:
1. I do not actually get a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens
2. No, I probably won’t tell you what my dream was. (Unless you email me, and unless you’re a girl.)
3. I have no mini marshmallows to eat while telemarketing today.